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I am writing this Tuesday evening. I'm sending it via text message because I can schedule it . (Became too long for a text message). You're not happy with me is what I'm hearing over and over. When someone is not happy with you, it's disconcerting and basically strips you of all joy. 

I don't do enough around the house, I take too long to cook, I'm on my phone/computer too much, we don't listen to music anymore, we don't have sex enough. In fact, I love how you called me back today to confirm my period had started. That's what was important to you. Do you know how that makes me feel? Speaking of periods and feelings, I'm in a lot of pain today. Thanks for asking. Yet I still made it a point to go to the store so you didn't have to because you left work late. 

Another thing that you may not realize is if I'm talking about something you're free to interrupt me repeatedly, but if I even try to get a word in edgewise during a conversation you say "can I finish"? I don't say that to you. If I did, you would flip your shit and quite frankly, it's a rude thing to say, well....it's only rude if you actually want to have a conversation with someone, but I don't think you do. 

I try to retain what I was going to say, but it's different. I allow you to form complete thoughts, then speak briefly to try to relate to what you're saying, to show you I'm interested in the conversation. With you I can't even finish half a sentence when it's my turn to speak. There are a lot of things I don't say anything about...and when I do speak, I don't even think you care about what I'm saying and half the time, if not more, you're not even listening to me. Hell, you've even said "I don't care" to me. That hurts. A LOT. 

You have no desire to be in the holiday spirit. I feel like I had to pry to have the Christmas tree put up. Over a year later and you still haven't replaced the water filter on the fridge. After all my research, I don't feel confident doing it. I don't know which filter is correct. I even tried downloading the manual, but couldn't find the filter info. I should have mentioned this today, but I forgot. Also, why the fuck am I apologizing for that?? 

This house is not home. It's still all decorated with personal touches from K. I don't want to burden you with suggesting we hang my window coverings or other decor because you've constantly got a list going in your head. I never even put my fridge magnets and pics back up that you took down the most recent time Lauryn came because I honestly don't know when/if I will ever exist....

And if that day ever happens, why can't you just let me decorate/arrange things the way I want? You seem to have to have control over everything. Hell, it even seems you've got plans for the Aerogarden and I won't have any say. 

Honestly, I feel like your past (Colleen) continues to haunt you. You don't trust me and that's an issue. It's more of an issue for me than it is for you because of how much I truly, madly, deeply love and care about you. It's an issue for you because it will destroy this relationship, but it seems like you're trying to destroy it anyway. 

Maybe it's the fear of finalizing your divorce. I think you're scared, but your fear and procrastination only makes me feel more like shit. In turn, you feel like shit because I feel like shit and you procrastinate more. 

I don't know what to do anymore. That's part of where I am. It's all I can get out tonight. It's late (11:06), but honestly I don't even want to come to bed because I feel like you're so disappointed with me, like you feel like you made a mistake. If that's the way you feel and I'm not saying it is, but if it is...tell me now so I can get out of your hair. I don't want to be with anyone else, ever... seriously. I'm different than you. 

If sex is still the most important thing to you, which I evidenced today and you're willing to throw everything away and you can get your rocks off...go ahead. 

I have so much more love for you in so many ways than only sex. On another note, you're great in bed....but it seems you've moved on from respecting your partner and I'm just a whore to you. I understand that I made that bed in your eyes, but it was never just a fling to me. I had deep feelings for you from the get go, even before Buffalos. 

And no I'm not just writing this because I've been drinking. I'm writing it because it's how I feel and I actually had some time to think. I kind of had to force myself to do it, but here you go....